Friday, August 27, 2010
And bravely taking the mouse in hand...
Last spring I found myself feeling more and more tired. I was tired all the time. I was tired of being tired. And I was tired of being tired of being tired. It was an endless and draining circle and finally I went to the doctor. And I went some more, and some more, and still have a ways to go. Good news is that it is nothing life threatening, but it is life changing. The final "sort of" diagnosis was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and perhaps Fibromyalgia (FM), and definitely anemia. Add on to that I am now in the process of working on a sleep apnoea diagnosis and you can begin to understand the fatigue that was taking over my life. But, despite these things I was so grateful it was nothing worse.
Somehow, I thought I would just sleep and feel better.Well, sort of. But not really. I have to redefine things a bit. I have to prioritize and I have to learn to "bank energy" to be able to keep running. You know how a low battery can keep on working, but it's almost worse than no power at all? That's me. It's better to just recharge, and that takes time, and then go on.
God is always faithful. I haven't forgotten that. I think that's why I'm not curled up in a fetal position in some corner having a poor me pity party. God always gives us the strength we need. When I'm at a birth I always wait for that perfect moment, the moment when the mother looks up with a confused look and says, "I can't do this." That's when I tell her, "That's right. You can't. But Christ can, and you can do it through him, because of him, with him." So, that's where I'm at.
I can't do this. But He can. And so I really have to follow His plan. Not my own. And, oh beauteous thought... in the process I'm learning to be a better mom. And maybe a better teacher. I'm learning to really enjoy those moments with the kids, or even with my dear husband. And I'm appreciating the fact that I'm getting more help and more understanding and that they really know I'm not just being lazy. Such a gift.
You all, it's been a hard summer, but also a wonderful summer. I really feel blessed that God has seen fit to continue to sanctify me. There are times I whine and say, "I can't do this anymore." And then I remember... I can't do it alone, but rather, with His hand holding me up and guiding me then I can lean on His strength and make the grade.